I’m Falling in Love…………..

This week I took a little break in writing because I was falling in love with someone special. I can’t believe it took me so long to realize how special, how much in need of my love, and how it’s the love I have been searching for my whole life. And it was right in front of me, waiting for me the entire time.

After the initial giddiness and thrill settle down, I’ll get back to writing more. Right now I am deep in the middle of discovery, of promise, of hope. Somehow I have a feeling that this one will work out.

I have always tried my best in relationships. But when they ended, I always placed the blame on myself. That’s a lot of guilt. Then I would take what I think I learned, and apply it to my next one, and on and on. And when I loved, I was all in. My whole life was about pleasing that person, taking care of that person, giving up my needs for that person, at least that’s what I thought. I would imagine they didn’t see it that way. But inside me I did.

They say that some people are givers and some are takers. They are both trying to fulfill a need of their own.  I think it’s way too hard to categorize someone. People are just too complicated for labeling them as this or that. I have always labeled myself as a caregiver, but now I see that it’s more complicated than that, and it really only scratches the surface. I have always felt the need to place others cares, concerns, problems, shortcomings above my own. I think that makes me a good person. Unfortunately, I have only been fooling myself. I can see now that my need to care for someone is really trying to justify and outwardly express an unfulfilled need from my past or an empty hole in myself I’m trying to fill.

It’s inevitable that I ended up in the role I had in my 28-year career in the car business as a Sales Manager. To do that job, you have to care about everyone else’s livelihood more than your own, both your employer and the employees under your direct control. I can assure you it has cost me tens of thousands of dollars in those years doing that. The funny thing is, I was never thanked or appreciated because it was either an expectation, or it was an anonymous gesture that I never told anyone about. When you are locked in that mode for so long, there is no escape, and you become what you do. In all of that, I lost what it is to be me. It gave me a comfortable financial situation, but I suffered internally by my loss of identity and unfulfilled needs of my own. Maybe in some twisted way, I enjoyed making myself my own martyr.

When you love and are committed to another, whether it’s a spouse, a lover, a friend, kids, or a dog, you want to please them. That’s where I now know I have failed. I was doing things that didn’t please me sometimes, and just like my job, those feelings would fester and resentment would build up and eventually sabotage the relationship. Then, in a contradictory way, I blamed the other person for ruining my life. My, what complicated twists we concoct in our minds to protect our ego. Was I aware of this? No. I’m not sure I understand the whole thing now, but it feels that’s the way it was. For some people, they know what to do naturally to get their needs met, but not me.

I am working on forgiving myself for the guilt I have carried all these years. It doesn’t serve me anymore. The past is the past, can’t be changed, and by holding onto it, affects my future.  In order for me to fall in love, I need to move on.

I still take part in my caregiving role with my kids,  but there is no resentment attached to them. I truly love them with all my heart and soul.  The time they are with me I take care of them. The days and nights they don’t, of course, I still worry, but the caregiving is gone for the moment. That’s when I try to search for me. Sometimes it gets lonely.

The thing about loneliness. If you don’t love yourself and don’t like your own company, then you are lonely. If you do love yourself, and you enjoy the person you are, then there is no way you can be lonely. My Mom lived another 16 years after my Dad passed away, and she was never lonely, even though she never had another relationship. She loved her kids, her home, her books, her pets, and most of all, she loved herself and her life. No one could take that away from her.

Some say we are our thoughts. Others say we are the observer of our thoughts. Either way, our thoughts are in this human body with all its wisdom and foolishness. The things that got me here right here and right now are gone. How I go forward is up to my thoughts, either the commentator or the observer.

Why would I not love the miraculous human being that I am? There’s only one of me, and why wouldn’t I put as much effort in loving me as I would someone else? Don’t I deserve all things I would want for another?  I only have one life, and in it, isn’t the most important person in my life me? If I don’t truly love myself, then how can I expect anyone else to?  Is it selfish to love my life, and do whatever is best for me? I don’t think so. Don’t you deserve to love you too?

This week I discovered someone who needed my love more than any other, and I’m starting to like their company.

This week I started falling in love……………..with me.

 

6 Replies to “I’m Falling in Love…………..”

  1. Absolutely beautiful! This post is by far your best one yet. I just love it. Don’t give up on this adventure. It may feel strangely selfish at times, remember that you are worth it. I”ve been through it and know how you are feeling. At first you wonder what to do with your new independence. Who do I take care of now, was a question I have asked myself…. I’ve gone from one relationship to another pretty quickly. Not happening now tho. I like being with me. We’ve had this conversation in the past, you and I. About how we are both caregivers. I always gave everything to my relationships. Gave until it hurt me. I also had several wonderful great experiences that made me who I am today, that I wouldn’t change. I don’t really have regrets. Sure I wished things could have worked out with my past loves. But if they had, I wouldn’t have been with the others. I still care about them but not as much as I care about me. Sounding selfish there, see what I mean? Takes time to get used to being with you. This is the longest I’ve ever gone without a significant other in my life and I’m fine. You will be too.
    Getting to know you, getting to know all about you. Getting to know you, getting to feel free and breezy.– I recall a sales manager who used to sing that song when we went on test drives in my customer’s cars…was that you?
    Good selfie, I recognize you! That’s good. There are lots of people that I don’t recognize, they’ve changed too much over the years. I wish you all the best with your new love.

    1. Thank you, Leanne, for your kind words again. I opened myself up and threw it out there, and when I had no comments, I felt like I had just told a joke and nobody laughed. (Was it inappropriate?). I can tell you get it. I also get it’s not going to be easy, doing something completely different than the person I thought I was. And yes, I was the singing Manager as we went through the glove box looking for buying clues!!!

  2. Aha, I knew it! So funny to recall that song from the past, and how fitting it is today. I can still hear you singing it. No, this blog is not inappropriate. It goes along with all your others, somewhat raw with emotion. It’s very therapeutic for you and for the reader too. Similar to a good book or movie~~it brings out feelings in the reader. Besides, there’s so much bad stuff going on in the world today, it’s uplifting to hear someone wanting to make themselves a better person rather than blaming everyone else, don’t you think? It’s a nice break to read your blogs. It may be difficult for others to be so open with their feelings and that’s why no other comments, yet. I say Keep Up the Good Writing!

  3. ATTA BOY BURLY, now you get it, leave the door open, but , be best by youself first, only then will you be COMPLETE and able to go it alone if necessary, but able to handle others and relationships without losing yourself, which, in my humble opinion, is what ultimately kills relationships, because we forget our own value. When we are lost, it just eventually becomes unbearable, no fault of others, we must own that. Keep up the Fantastic Blogs and Keep fighting the Good Fight !!!! Proud and Honored to know you Always, KK

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